Marriage is a Continues Schooling

The fact that a man remains a husband makes him not only a survivor, but a person who understands marriage. Yet, each day, a husband is faced with temporary defeats that if allowed, will rob the marriage of lasting relationship and happiness.

‘Marriage is a long journey, not a destination. It demands a strong and positive self-imaged man called a husband to command it.’

Hopefully, a husband must also understand that the future of the marriage relationship rests in the lessons he learns from these temporary set-backs. One set-back is conflict in the home. Once couples are married, they have to deal with the inevitability of arguments and conflict. Couples who deal poorly with arguments and conflict build up a history of negative emotional interactions that erodes marital satisfaction.

‘Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.’ (1 Peter 3:7-9)

‘Men are protectors and maintainers of women…’ (Qur’an, 4:34)

Karney and Bradbury reviewed a few studies on marital satisfaction and created the vulnerability-stress-adaptation model. As the name implies, the vulnerability-stress-adaptation model involves three main concepts:

©      Vulnerability – each partner brings strengths and weaknesses to the relationship, including personality, beliefs and attitudes about marriage, and social background.

©      Stress – various life events can cause the partners to experience tension and aggravation.

©      Adaptation – the partners engage in processes to deal with conflict, which vary in terms of how the partners communicate and support each other.

How well couples handle conflict and stress depends on their vulnerabilities, the kinds of stresses they face, and their processes of adaptation. Couples, who handle conflict and stress poorly to the extent of inviting third parties, become less and less satisfied with their relationships over time.

Every husband must be able to identify and practice the best means and form to resolve conflict between him and his wife.

A married man is an effective and efficient husband when he is an active peacemaker, i.e. building bridges of common understanding in order to achieve a long term relationship.

Should you reason, agree, apologize, fight or leave? Which is your benefit and to the benefit of those you must protect? Arguing often makes your wife defensive and determined to prevail.  As much as possible avoid conflict but if it occurs, below are general principles that every husband must adopt in conflict resolution at home:

1. Remain calm and detached.
2. Let go of your anger. It only clouds the issue and draws you into a quick response.
3. Allow your wife to rage while you consider the appropriate response.
4. Whenever possible, use kindness as a weapon against evil.
5. Neutralize shouting with soft words.
6. Answer threats with serene confidence.
7. Speak plainly.
8. Don’t use foul language or sarcasm.
9. Breathe deeply with long exhalations.
10. Maintain your presence. Don’t exaggerate.
11. Think about an interesting time you had together
12. Don’t lie.
13. Attack the argument and not the person.
14. Don’t invite a third party.
15. Pray for your wife.

In fact, husbands who use humour and gentleness to soothe the feelings of their wives, and who respond calmly to the negative emotional expressions of their wives, are more likely to resolve conflicts in the home. Other characteristics which do not help in conflict resolution in the home are:

• Criticism – instead of complaining about behaviour, you attack your partner’s personality or character, usually with blame. Criticism of personality also comes in the form of listing complaints about past behaviours and thereby suggesting a character fault.
• Contempt – contempt is criticism that is intended to insult and psychologically abuse a partner. Contempt reflects a very negative view of your partner.
• Defensiveness - defensiveness is a way of avoiding taking responsibility for setting things right by denying responsibility, making excuses, attributing negative thoughts to partners, using one’s own complaints to counter a partner’s complaints, and simply repeating oneself.
•  Stonewalling - stonewalling is a break down of communication. The partners turn into ‘stone walls’ and stop responding to communication.

Also, a husband as a diplomat must use his creativity and imagination to turn unpleasant lessons into pleasant ones in the future. This calls for the husband to occasionally sit down and reflect on the success and apparent failures that the marriage has gone through.

As the husband reflects, he must ask himself what went well, what didn’t go well, what could have been done differently in the future to get the best results. A husband can’t expect to obtain happiness in the marriage from doing more of the things that aren’t working. Although, some things take practice in order to gain comfort, a husband is not seeing improvements and results from certain practice, that’s a good sign that, he is doing or taking the wrong approach.

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Knowledge is the Power behind Marriage

The husband has one clear and unavoidable primary obligation: to provide his wife with the necessities of life. However, there are some basic characteristics and facts that every effective and efficient husband must know and possess.

One of the greatest differentials between successful and unsuccessful marriages is the amount of adequate knowledge that the husband possess. Some people would think that money would be the most important factor for the success of marriages, but with my over 10 years of teaching on the subjects of sex and marriage, I have come to know the truth that having money alone does not make marriages successful.

Disaster and misunderstanding strikes in marriages when husbands run the marriage life on limited knowledge. Not understanding the possible obstacles and dangers facing the marriage due to ignorance. Besides, the Holy Scriptures says lack of knowledge makes every establishment like the marriage institution perishes, and also instructs husband to have knowledge and understanding when dealing with their wives.

‘…Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.’ (1 Peter 3:7)

Husbands are not wise when they succumb to the casual and common way of joking about how difficult it is to ‘understanding females.’ Any human being (male or female) is complex in personality and behaviour. So no one is easy to understand. The Bible does not say it will be easy to understand a marriage partner, but specifically commands a husband to have an extensive, practical knowledge of his wife and her ways, and to live with her in light of that knowledge.

It is important for every husband to make sure that he gets enough information to carry out the tasks that he desires to make the marriage successful. Although, our generation is a generation of abundance knowledge, there seems to be inequalities between husbands when it comes to getting good results from the information that they acquire to build their marriages. This seems to be because, many husbands do not know that they need more than just the mere acquisition of knowledge, they need adequate knowledge. For example;

In authority wise, the husband is the first among equals in every marriage. The power of the husband evolves from their wives. Without their wives, they are no husbands. Children do not make husbands, but wives do.

The above statement can only be understood and comprehended by husbands who are in tune with adequate knowledge of the times. It is only through knowledge that a married man will understand his new duties, responsibilities and function as a husband.

A husband may be able to acquire adequate knowledge from several sources like;

©      Books and magazines

©      His own experience and that of others

©      Counsellors

©      Marriage seminars

©      Music, movies, sports, games and paintings

©      Internet

©      Television and radio talk shows.

Knowledge is indeed power. Without knowledge, marriages will always be unsuccessful. Knowledge feeds our desires with an awareness of alternative choices. Husbands with adequate information on how the 21^st centaury marriage works are able to gain advantages in life that the ignorant often miss out.

Great opportunities that can heal and advance our marriages do come knocking on our doors often, but when a husband lacks certain information, the marriage relationship misses the chance to seize these new opportunities forever.

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A Married Man is an Entrepreneur

One of the main reasons for weaknesses in marriages in Ghana that may lead to divorce is husbands’ inability to stump their authority at home and adequately appreciate and perform their marital duties and responsibilities as entrepreneurs.

 Until every married man sees himself as an entrepreneur, marriages will always be at the verge of breakdown and try and error.

An entrepreneur, a loanword from French, which was first introduced, loved and defined by the Irish economist, Richard Cantillon can be defined as;

‘…a person who undertakes and operates a new enterprise or venture and assumes some accountability for the inherent risk.’

An entrepreneur can also be defined as a problem solver, a person who solves problems for people at a profit. Entrepreneurship is often difficult, as many new ventures fail from the beginning.

Marriage, as every business institution is an adventurous, interesting, risky and full of blessings, and it must be run as such. Business entrepreneurs (just like married men) often have strong beliefs about an opportunity and are willing to accept a high level of personal and financial risk to pursue that opportunity.  

Sometimes, it tastes like honey, other times it’s extremely bitter. Many times, the performance of a married man’s roles become stressful due to role conflict and his inability to define his roles properly, however he is expected to perform these tasks any way. Both entrepreneur and married men must and do have these personal traits as stated by John G. Burch (Business Horizon, September 1986);

•    A desire to achieve: The push to conquer problems, and give birth to a successful venture.
•    Hard working: It is often suggested that many entrepreneurs are workaholics.
•   Nurturing qualities: Willing to take charge of, and watch over a venture until it can stand alone.
•   Acceptance of responsibility: are morally, legally, and mentally accountable for their ventures. Some entrepreneurs may be driven more by altruism than by self-interest.
•    Reward orientation: Desire to achieve, work hard, and take responsibility, but also with a commensurate desire to be rewarded handsomely for their effort; rewards can be in forms other than money, such as recognition and respect.
•    Optimism: Live by the philosophy that this is the best of times, and that anything is possible.
•   Orientation to excellence: Often desire to achieve something outstanding that they can be proud of.

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Securing marriages in Ghana

Looking at the growing rate of divorces, court cases for alimony, physical abuses and single parents; it does seem as if handling a relationship can be a tricky and often a taxing issue. Yet, critical analyses of recent contracted marriages in Ghana as against the increasing rate of divorce indicate that our attachment to marriage as our basic social institution is weakening.

For example, in the Central Region of Ghana alone, the contracted marriages of 2007, 2006 and 2005 were 85, 113, 91 respectively, but the average number of divorce in the same region is 4 in every week. This means that, an average of 16 marriages break-up in every month and a total average of 192 registered marriages break-up in the Central Region of Ghana each year.   This figure of 192 divorces as against 85, 113 or 91 contracted marriages in a particular year in truly alarming, and this calls for a stricter look at the marriage institution once again.

People marry for many reasons, like love, happiness, money, companionship, physical attraction, desire to escape from an unhappy situation and the desire to have children. But marriage goes beyond these interests. It is a commitment with love and responsibility for peace, happiness and development of strong family relationships. It is the sacrificing of your freedom to attain the ultimate happiness for your partner. It involves emotional and legal commitment that is quite important in any adult life.

In the eyes of the law, marriage is a contract whereby a man and a woman agree to enter into a union for life for their mutual benefit, to provide each other with companionship, sexual gratification and economic help and to procreate and raise children.

The role of husband and wife to each other is a matter more of custom and tradition than of law. Marital role can be defined as set of attitudes and behaviours a spouse is expected to demonstrate in the content of the marriage relationship.

Marriage, although it merits being called romantic, passionate, strong, resonant, robust, hardy, solid, indestructible, indissoluble institution, is actually full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your relationship, and make your love life even deeper and stronger than when it began. It’s more delicate and unsteady than you think. You co-habit with your spouse 365 days a year. Of those 365 days, how many were good days? How many were bad?

When you get married, you think that as long as you have picked the right man, you’ll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, ‘This is not what I really want in life’.

Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths, and from where he sits, you’re pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn’t mean you’re done, it just means you’ve advanced to graduate-level studies. That’s because every time you think you’ve mastered the material, he’ll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process. Therefore, in marriage, two universes come close together.

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Top Ten Ways To Save Your Marriage

If you are worried about your relationship and searching for ways to save a marriage, here are 10 tips you must know.

1. Don’t be afraid to say, “I’m sorry.” Many times you get angry over something very small and insignificant such as leaving a light on or not closing a door. If you let enough of these inconsequential problems pile up they can turn into something larger. Remember to apologize when the occasion calls for it.

2. Financial matters are often argued over. Give some thought to this and come up with a plan and a budget. Perhaps a joint savings account where you keep some extra money for those things you want that are not really necessary items.

3. Don’t be selfish. Every now and then give in to your partner and let them choose what movie to watch or what restaurant to eat at.

4. Another tip on ways to save a marriage is not forgetting to say thank you. This is important. If you never say thanks, your mate may begin to feel taken advantage of. This is true for small things and big things.

5. Surprise your partner occasionally with a small gift or a favorite meal. You’ll be amazed how good this can make you feel.

6. If you are angry with each other, don’t take that time to discuss important issues. Wait until you have cooled down and are calm.

7. Don’t bring up and rehash past mistakes. Let them stay in the past.

8. Think before you speak. Often we speak critically and say things before we have a chance to filter those thoughts. Count to 10 if you must.

9. Accept his or her annoying habits. Everyone has them and, surprisingly, these are the things you would miss if they were gone.

10. A final tip on ways to save a marriage is to ask what your partner is thinking sometimes. Don’t just assume you know.

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Sensual Dysfunction

To be a great lover and the woman to fully enjoy, the man must master the art of foreplay. Lot of men think foreplay is a pre-requisite to a good sex, whiles their women also perceive foreplay as an integral part of the process of sex itself. Therefore, foreplay can also be defined as the method by which the woman’s level of sexual excitement is increased and allowing her to have sex and enjoy it.

Sometimes in the foreplay leading up to penetration, a man’s erection softens or even disappears altogether. This is quite normal. Erections come and go during sex. All that’s usually needed to restore firmness is a little more direct stimulation such as oral sex or the contact of his penis with his partner’s vulva.

1. Fear of Rejection

In the real world, sex is more likely to be impeded by anxiety. Fear of rejection, fear of not meeting the partner’s expectations, and fear of not being able to perform are among the most common emotional barriers to intercourse. Some dysfunctional people harbour feelings of guilt over their sexual needs, or lack the skill or desire to stimulate their partner. Even mild anxiety can impede or disable sexual performance. Ignorance and inexperience contribute their own problems.

“Frequently, for instance” reveals Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan in Psychology Today, “neither spouse knows where the clitoris is or recognizes its potential for eliciting erotic pleasure. They have intercourse as soon as the husband has an erection, and he ejaculates without considering whether his partner is ready. Such couples genuinely wonder why the wife does not reach orgasm.”

Self-hatred manifests itself in a number of anti-erotic behaviours. “Some women are reluctant to act seductively for fear of rejection and ridicule. Young women … express the desire to look ‘sexy’ and wear seductive clothes, but fear that men in particular will think them grotesque. … Many obese persons attempt to hide their bodies under cover of darkness, or keep their clothes on during sexual intimacy.”

2. Fear of Touch

For many men, the opportunity to be touched, even casually by a woman is arousing. And, no, it’s not because men are different than women innately. This is because boys are often raised with little physical nurturance. Some men are so touch deprived that they shut off the awareness of the need for it entirely. As a result they appear cold, distant and emotionally unavailable. They have little understanding of why a woman wants to be touched or cuddled. It completely baffles them.

Many cultures within the larger Ghanaian culture work to toughen up boys and assume that cuddling, hugging and kissing boys makes “Mama Ba” (Mama’s boys) out of them. This creates an environment in which our male children are raised without physical touch. Yet we know, from years of research that touch is a basic need. Babies deprived of touch do not survive; they will quit eating and die. While men, even 5 or 6 year old boys are not infants, they, like all of us have a basic need to be held, to be touched, and otherwise physically nurtured. This need for touch can be hidden away for years, until perhaps in their early teens, a girl steals a kiss or holds his hands. Suddenly he finds himself aroused and from that moment on, associates touch with sex.

Then these poor guys get accused of being hyper sexual because the need for touch, which has been repressed for years, suddenly emerges as sexual desire. The hormone oxytocin carries messages of bonding, safety, overall well being and of love to our brains and to our bodies. It also increases sexual arousal. This hormone is released when there is any type of skin-to-skin contact. This generally happens at the same time as the developmental hormonal changes of adolescence, further complicating matters. From the male perspective then, touch is equal to sex.

Couples observed touching affectionately test as being more securely attached and having a more satisfying sex life. If you are unhappy with the amount of sexual activity with your partner, notice what happens when you become more affectionate in general with each other. Increasing overall affectionate behaviors can have a positive effect on each of you individually, as well as increasing the amount of sexual activity between you.

Touch alone can transform the quality of your relationship.

If you are not feeling safe enough with your partner to enjoy copious amounts of affection, you might want to ask yourself why not. Is this because of your own discomfort with touch? Or is it because you fear that touch will initiate sex when that is always what you want? Is your partner uncomfortable with touch and therefore reluctant to express their affection physically? These are all questions that you and your partner should discuss, certainly before committing to a long-term relationship.

3. Fear of Pain

During sexual arousal some things that might otherwise be painful (such as the application of ice) can be pleasurable. Spanking, for example, is not really painful when done in a restrained manner to the buttocks. But some people will allow themselves to endure real pain or humiliation if they feel the pleasure or rewards of a relationship still outweigh the benefits. A person may endure cruel treatment or even beatings for the sake of love or hot sex. In some cases the treatment is a cost paid for a rewarding relationship, in some cases it adds “spice” or there may be a confusing mixture.

Nonetheless, erotic arousal can be coaxed, and this can often be done by creating the right mood, creating a feeling of safety, familiarity and pleasure in touching, and by expressing appropriate consideration and interest. Being “seduced” (an enjoyable game played by two consenting adults) can be a pleasant kind of attention.

In such cases “seduction” can be a gentle way for one or both participants to safely explore how far they really want to go. Some people attempt to find aphrodisiacs to simplify the process, but there is no aphrodisiac that compares to enthusiasm, i.e. finding the keys to a person’s personal erotic interests (when they exist).

In both sexes, early sexual excitement is marked by blood rushing to the skin surfaces and to the sexual organs, causing erection in the man, clitoral swelling in the woman, enlargement of her breasts and nipples and usually his nipples too, a bit of secretion from the penis, lubrication of her vagina, and muscular tension as well as a flushed appearance to the face and chest.

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Appreciating little details in marriage

Though I may attribute the causes of this high rate of divorce or unhappy marriages in Ghana to couples immaturity and unfaithfulness, I think our ignorant and misinterpretation of certain elements in our marriages which some are necessities (both good and evil) and others priorities forms a greater contribution, particularly when we refuse to take notice and appreciate every little details.

Let me share with you a true story one of my regular internet radio listeners in Norway sent to me through my email and you will understand what I mean:

‘When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’ She sat down and ate quietly. Again, I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. ‘I want a divorce!’ I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, ‘why?’ I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer. She had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew. I didn’t love her anymore….I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said, for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally, she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was slept again. In the morning, she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live normal life as possible.

Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month’s duration, I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. ‘No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce,’ Dew said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us and said repeatedly, ‘Daddy is holding mummy in his arms.’ His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, ‘Don’t tell our son about the divorce.’ And I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily.

She leaned on my chest… I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair had become grey! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning.

She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, ‘All my dresses have grown bigger’. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me that, she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, ‘Dad, it’s time to carry mum out.’ To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly.

I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, ‘I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.’

I drove to office… jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, ‘Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.’ She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead and asked, ‘Do you have a fever?’ I moved her hand off my head and said to her, ‘Sorry, Dew, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I realise that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.’

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, ‘I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.’

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How to select a good life partner

It is sweet for every young woman to feel loved by a man. It makes her feel on top of the world. I want the ladies to be true to themselves and remember what happened to their mind and body, the first time the guy you love proposed to you. I don’t think you slept that night. For me, I sang all night and I was late to school the next day.

But before anyone gets into marriage, you must first find the right partner. This is because, marriage is honourable; and he who finds a good wife finds favour before God.

There are 3 main questionable factors you must look for in selecting a good life partner. These are:

1. BASIC INSIGHT
2. FUTURE SECURITY
3. DANGEROUS GROUNDS

1.      BASIC INSIGHT

The most basic thing you must look out for in your partner who you are already attracted to is whether your partner normally speak the truth or he/she is a prime lair? How do you know that your partner has truth or love in his or her heart for you?

-          Every liar is unfaithful (Proverbs 14:5 )

-          Every liar is a hypocrite (1Timothy 4:2)

2.      FUTURE SECURITY

Below are the questions you must find answers to, for you to be sure that you will have a good future with your partner:

1. How does your partner demonstrate his love for God?
2. Does your partner honour his or her parents?
3. Is your partner hardworking?
4. Is your partner financially responsible?
5. Is your partner well reported on?

3.      DANGEROUS GROUNDS

If your partner falters in any three of the following questions, please be careful:

1. Does your partner easily get angry?
2. Does your partner try to force you into sexual intercourse?
3. Is your partner physically or verbally abusive?
4. Does your partner need to use alcohol to have a good time?
5. Is your partner over-jealous and self-centered?
6. What is the relationship of your partner and his or her former partner like?
7. Are both of your parents in support of the relationship?

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Sex And Sensuality

Sexual pleasure isn’t a science but an art, and the only way you can find out more about sexual pleasure, is to bring the creativity you have in other parts of your life, into the sexual arena, and start exploring. When it comes to sexual pleasure, we can focus too much on the genital connection, and ignore the fact that there is a whole body available for sexual stimulation. Arms, legs, hands, feet and all your five senses can all be important players in an awesome sexual pleasure.

Sex is an experience. Females have different architecture than men when it comes to sex. They do not think that sex is important to survive. Most women may think that sex does wonders to their complexions and moods, but some do prefer to sit and chat with their peers than engage in an entire afternoon of lovemaking. But most men on the other hand cannot do without it.

Evidence points to the many health benefits of an active sex life. ‘Sex Made Easy’, an article published in Men’s Health Magazine, gives 10 healthy reasons to hop into bed (a reminder that making love is good for both body and soul).

1. Exercise: “Sexual activity is a form of physical exercise,” according to Dr. Michael Cirigliano of the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. Making love three times a week burns around 7,500 calories in a year — the equivalent of jogging 75 miles.
2.  Heavy Breathing: A night of love can raise the amount of oxygen in cells, helping to keep organs and tissues functioning at their peak.
3.  Strong Bones and Muscles: “Any kind of physical exercise is going to increase testosterone,” states Dr. Karen Donahey, director of the Sex and Marital Therapy Program at Chicago’s Northwestern University Medical Center. Testosterone is believed to help keep men’s bones and muscles strong.
4.  Lowered Cholesterol: Making love regularly can lower levels of the body’s total cholesterol slightly, while positively changing the ratio of good-to-bad cholesterol.
5.  Pain Relief: Sex can lower levels of “arthritic pain, whiplash pain and headache pain,” according to Dr. Beverly Whipple, president-elect of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Hormones that are released during sexual excitement and orgasm can elevate pain thresholds.
6.  DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone) — Without Supplements: DHEA, a popular supplemental hormone, is released naturally during lovemaking. “Just before orgasm and ejaculation,” Crenshaw says, “DHEA spikes to levels three to five times higher than usual.”
7.  Prostate Protection: Researchers say prostate trouble may arise or be worsened by fluid build-up within the gland. Regular ejaculation will help wash out those fluids. Be cautious when suddenly changing frequency — sudden changes may also trigger prostate problems.
8.  Stress Relief: “Sex can be a very effective way of reducing stress levels,” Donahey told Men’s Health.
9.  Love Will Keep Us Together: Crenshaw says affectionate touch will increase levels of oxytocin — the “bonding hormone.” Oxytocin is a desire-enhancing chemical secreted by the pituitary. Regular oxytocin release may help encourage frequent lovemaking.
10.  Hormones (Naturally): “Regular lovemaking can increase a woman’s estrogen level, protect her heart and keep her vaginal tissues more supple,” states Donahey.

Imagine how a woman will feel after a passionate caress and the man ejaculates within 30 seconds immediately he enters the woman.

Men who are not able to have an erection may have several factors which includes emotional and economic. Such men may have to stay out of sexual intercourse for sometimes.

Below are some tips to forestall pre-mature ejaculation:

• Do a lot of physical exercise.
• Men who eat too much carbohydrate foods like gari, white bread (Tea bread), white or polished rice; artificial sugary foods like soft drinks, too much chocolate, sweet cakes and toffees; too much meat, fats, oil, milk, butter; and excess coffee and tea will become weak in bed.
• Eat more fresh fruits, leaves and vegetables especially carrots, cucumbers, guavas, garlic, onion, banana and taking Soya milk and Soya coffee.

On the average, it takes between ten and twenty times as long for a woman to become aroused as it does for a man. This means that for the first twenty minutes or so of lovemaking, a man may be erect and ready to enter his partner, while the woman will most likely just be warming up. Also, a man can achieve orgasm within 2 – 3 minutes when stimulated by a woman. Where as a woman can take up to 15 minutes to climax. These and other reasons are why husbands especially should learn and master the art of foreplay to get their wives on.

Our bodies are hardwired for arousal, but we need to trigger that arousal. Not with sexual thoughts or fantasies, but with sexual feelings or touch that physically excite us. Love making is a sensual activity because it is a complete exposure of all the five senses (eg; sight, feeling, taste, touch and smell). Foreplay takes 80% of love making. It includes lying close to each other and brushing each other (that is putting all your senses at work).

There are other forms of intercourse between men and women. These includes talking, laughing, touching, reading the newspaper together, watching a favourite movie on late night TV, or walking along the beach together just to watch the sea waves dancing. Sometimes the feelings you get from just being close to someone are as good or better than any feelings you can get from sexual intercourse itself. It may not be sex, but it is a critical part of making love.

Seriously, foreplay takes place in so many ways.  For example, the eyes of a woman are the windows to her soul.  The eyes speak loudly that which her voice cannot complete in volume.  Husbands should please learn to read your wife’s eyes – you’ll learn so much about her.
Then there is her touch.  Again you can tell so much about what she is thinking or needing.  She can be feeling very vulnerable even though she’s not saying it.  She can reveal her need for romance.  Women need to know they’re beautiful, and a man’s voice only sometimes does the trick.  

Remember, Actions DO speak louder than words.

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A Married Man As A True Husband

Both men and women have a need for companionship and sexual needs, and marriage is designed to fulfil those needs. However, a husband must at all course look for the satisfaction and wellbeing of the wife, being it materially, sexually or emotionally. Despite any wealth she may have, the husband is obligated to provide his wife with food, shelter and clothing. This is not to say that, the husband should spend beyond his capabilities or the wife is entitled to make unreasonable demands. The Holy Qur’an actually explains it as:

‘Let the man of means spend according to his means, and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allah will grant after hardship, ease.’ (Qur’an 65:7)

Let me state categorically that, husbands should take their wives as more important to them than their children. Before the children, there was a wife whom you cherished and loved dearly. You married the woman primarily not because of the children, but because you love her.

A married man is first a husband before anything else. For that reason, his wife must always come first. The definition of the word ‘husband’ in Oxford Advanced Learner’s dictionary better sums it up as, ‘a man to whom a woman is married.’

God established the foundation for marriage in His creative work, and we will find the purpose of God in marriage by understanding the foundation. Let’s consider these verses in the Holy Bible when the Pharisees asked the Lord Jesus Christ a question about the permanence and sanctity of marriage.

‘The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him; Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them; have ye not read, that which made them at the beginning made them male and female; And said, for this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore, they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.’ (Matthew 19:3-6)

Christ could have cited examples of contemporary ideas on marriage that were expounded by the great thinkers of His day. However, His reference to Genesis proves that, marriage is not just a physical or emotional necessity, but in fact, a relationship of mutual rights and obligations based on divine guidance. Therefore, God created men and women with complimentary natures.

‘…They are garments for you and you are garments for them.’ (Qur’an 2:187)

Clothing provides physical protection and covers the beauty and faults of the body. Likewise, a spouse is viewed this way. Each protects the other and hides the faults and compliments the characteristics of the spouse.

‘And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he woman, and brought her unto the man.’ (Genesis 2:21-22) 

Oneness involves true personal intimacy that is much deeper than physical intimacy between just the husband and the wife. From the above enlightenments, it is clear that children are born into the family, they do not make the family. They come to meet and flourish the family which is made up of a husband and wife only.

I am stressing on this point because some husbands believe that the ultimate aim for marriage is having children, and they pay no attention to their wives immediately children are born into the family. They give all the attention to the children and leave none for their wives. Some wives also do the same. That is wrong, the ultimate aim for marriage is the love and intimacy you share with a woman called your wife for the rest of your life.

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