Marriage is a Continues Schooling

The fact that a man remains a husband makes him not only a survivor, but a person who understands marriage. Yet, each day, a husband is faced with temporary defeats that if allowed, will rob the marriage of lasting relationship and happiness.

‘Marriage is a long journey, not a destination. It demands a strong and positive self-imaged man called a husband to command it.’

Hopefully, a husband must also understand that the future of the marriage relationship rests in the lessons he learns from these temporary set-backs. One set-back is conflict in the home. Once couples are married, they have to deal with the inevitability of arguments and conflict. Couples who deal poorly with arguments and conflict build up a history of negative emotional interactions that erodes marital satisfaction.

‘Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.’ (1 Peter 3:7-9)

‘Men are protectors and maintainers of women…’ (Qur’an, 4:34)

Karney and Bradbury reviewed a few studies on marital satisfaction and created the vulnerability-stress-adaptation model. As the name implies, the vulnerability-stress-adaptation model involves three main concepts:

©      Vulnerability – each partner brings strengths and weaknesses to the relationship, including personality, beliefs and attitudes about marriage, and social background.

©      Stress – various life events can cause the partners to experience tension and aggravation.

©      Adaptation – the partners engage in processes to deal with conflict, which vary in terms of how the partners communicate and support each other.

How well couples handle conflict and stress depends on their vulnerabilities, the kinds of stresses they face, and their processes of adaptation. Couples, who handle conflict and stress poorly to the extent of inviting third parties, become less and less satisfied with their relationships over time.

Every husband must be able to identify and practice the best means and form to resolve conflict between him and his wife.

A married man is an effective and efficient husband when he is an active peacemaker, i.e. building bridges of common understanding in order to achieve a long term relationship.

Should you reason, agree, apologize, fight or leave? Which is your benefit and to the benefit of those you must protect? Arguing often makes your wife defensive and determined to prevail.  As much as possible avoid conflict but if it occurs, below are general principles that every husband must adopt in conflict resolution at home:

1. Remain calm and detached.
2. Let go of your anger. It only clouds the issue and draws you into a quick response.
3. Allow your wife to rage while you consider the appropriate response.
4. Whenever possible, use kindness as a weapon against evil.
5. Neutralize shouting with soft words.
6. Answer threats with serene confidence.
7. Speak plainly.
8. Don’t use foul language or sarcasm.
9. Breathe deeply with long exhalations.
10. Maintain your presence. Don’t exaggerate.
11. Think about an interesting time you had together
12. Don’t lie.
13. Attack the argument and not the person.
14. Don’t invite a third party.
15. Pray for your wife.

In fact, husbands who use humour and gentleness to soothe the feelings of their wives, and who respond calmly to the negative emotional expressions of their wives, are more likely to resolve conflicts in the home. Other characteristics which do not help in conflict resolution in the home are:

• Criticism – instead of complaining about behaviour, you attack your partner’s personality or character, usually with blame. Criticism of personality also comes in the form of listing complaints about past behaviours and thereby suggesting a character fault.
• Contempt – contempt is criticism that is intended to insult and psychologically abuse a partner. Contempt reflects a very negative view of your partner.
• Defensiveness - defensiveness is a way of avoiding taking responsibility for setting things right by denying responsibility, making excuses, attributing negative thoughts to partners, using one’s own complaints to counter a partner’s complaints, and simply repeating oneself.
•  Stonewalling - stonewalling is a break down of communication. The partners turn into ‘stone walls’ and stop responding to communication.

Also, a husband as a diplomat must use his creativity and imagination to turn unpleasant lessons into pleasant ones in the future. This calls for the husband to occasionally sit down and reflect on the success and apparent failures that the marriage has gone through.

As the husband reflects, he must ask himself what went well, what didn’t go well, what could have been done differently in the future to get the best results. A husband can’t expect to obtain happiness in the marriage from doing more of the things that aren’t working. Although, some things take practice in order to gain comfort, a husband is not seeing improvements and results from certain practice, that’s a good sign that, he is doing or taking the wrong approach.

Read Full Post »

Knowledge is the Power behind Marriage

The husband has one clear and unavoidable primary obligation: to provide his wife with the necessities of life. However, there are some basic characteristics and facts that every effective and efficient husband must know and possess.

One of the greatest differentials between successful and unsuccessful marriages is the amount of adequate knowledge that the husband possess. Some people would think that money would be the most important factor for the success of marriages, but with my over 10 years of teaching on the subjects of sex and marriage, I have come to know the truth that having money alone does not make marriages successful.

Disaster and misunderstanding strikes in marriages when husbands run the marriage life on limited knowledge. Not understanding the possible obstacles and dangers facing the marriage due to ignorance. Besides, the Holy Scriptures says lack of knowledge makes every establishment like the marriage institution perishes, and also instructs husband to have knowledge and understanding when dealing with their wives.

‘…Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.’ (1 Peter 3:7)

Husbands are not wise when they succumb to the casual and common way of joking about how difficult it is to ‘understanding females.’ Any human being (male or female) is complex in personality and behaviour. So no one is easy to understand. The Bible does not say it will be easy to understand a marriage partner, but specifically commands a husband to have an extensive, practical knowledge of his wife and her ways, and to live with her in light of that knowledge.

It is important for every husband to make sure that he gets enough information to carry out the tasks that he desires to make the marriage successful. Although, our generation is a generation of abundance knowledge, there seems to be inequalities between husbands when it comes to getting good results from the information that they acquire to build their marriages. This seems to be because, many husbands do not know that they need more than just the mere acquisition of knowledge, they need adequate knowledge. For example;

In authority wise, the husband is the first among equals in every marriage. The power of the husband evolves from their wives. Without their wives, they are no husbands. Children do not make husbands, but wives do.

The above statement can only be understood and comprehended by husbands who are in tune with adequate knowledge of the times. It is only through knowledge that a married man will understand his new duties, responsibilities and function as a husband.

A husband may be able to acquire adequate knowledge from several sources like;

©      Books and magazines

©      His own experience and that of others

©      Counsellors

©      Marriage seminars

©      Music, movies, sports, games and paintings

©      Internet

©      Television and radio talk shows.

Knowledge is indeed power. Without knowledge, marriages will always be unsuccessful. Knowledge feeds our desires with an awareness of alternative choices. Husbands with adequate information on how the 21^st centaury marriage works are able to gain advantages in life that the ignorant often miss out.

Great opportunities that can heal and advance our marriages do come knocking on our doors often, but when a husband lacks certain information, the marriage relationship misses the chance to seize these new opportunities forever.

Read Full Post »

A Married Man is an Entrepreneur

One of the main reasons for weaknesses in marriages in Ghana that may lead to divorce is husbands’ inability to stump their authority at home and adequately appreciate and perform their marital duties and responsibilities as entrepreneurs.

 Until every married man sees himself as an entrepreneur, marriages will always be at the verge of breakdown and try and error.

An entrepreneur, a loanword from French, which was first introduced, loved and defined by the Irish economist, Richard Cantillon can be defined as;

‘…a person who undertakes and operates a new enterprise or venture and assumes some accountability for the inherent risk.’

An entrepreneur can also be defined as a problem solver, a person who solves problems for people at a profit. Entrepreneurship is often difficult, as many new ventures fail from the beginning.

Marriage, as every business institution is an adventurous, interesting, risky and full of blessings, and it must be run as such. Business entrepreneurs (just like married men) often have strong beliefs about an opportunity and are willing to accept a high level of personal and financial risk to pursue that opportunity.  

Sometimes, it tastes like honey, other times it’s extremely bitter. Many times, the performance of a married man’s roles become stressful due to role conflict and his inability to define his roles properly, however he is expected to perform these tasks any way. Both entrepreneur and married men must and do have these personal traits as stated by John G. Burch (Business Horizon, September 1986);

•    A desire to achieve: The push to conquer problems, and give birth to a successful venture.
•    Hard working: It is often suggested that many entrepreneurs are workaholics.
•   Nurturing qualities: Willing to take charge of, and watch over a venture until it can stand alone.
•   Acceptance of responsibility: are morally, legally, and mentally accountable for their ventures. Some entrepreneurs may be driven more by altruism than by self-interest.
•    Reward orientation: Desire to achieve, work hard, and take responsibility, but also with a commensurate desire to be rewarded handsomely for their effort; rewards can be in forms other than money, such as recognition and respect.
•    Optimism: Live by the philosophy that this is the best of times, and that anything is possible.
•   Orientation to excellence: Often desire to achieve something outstanding that they can be proud of.

Read Full Post »

A Married Man Is Respected At The City Gate

Since change is the only constant thing in life, it is something husbands ought to enjoy at a steady pace. However, there are some factors of life that need to be constant in order for husbands to keep their marriages sane and build stability.

Women are very interesting beings. As often as they keep criticism more to heart than men, so as every weak smile from their husbands make them feel threatened. A husband must maintain the pace of the relationship between him and his wife. Marriage is like fire that needs to be fuelled to keep it burning, and it is the prime responsibility of the husband to keep it burning.

A husband must be very innovative and establish an effective communication channel like telephone calls and text messages, plan to meet each other at a specific place, find a hobby that you can both share, surprise your partner with cards, gifts, letters or flowers. He must also make it a habit to pray for the wife, be supportive and give her encouraging lyrics.

Also, husbands are expected to remain calm, courteous and loving at all times regardless of the wife’s behaviour. Some outstanding qualities of a husband which helps in keeping the pace of the marriage is attentiveness, loyalty, maturity, respect for confidentiality and discretion, a positive attitude and dependability. All these can be achieved when a husband accepts that there has never being any woman as beautiful and intelligent than his wife in the entire universe and never will be.

‘By Him Who created male and female; Verily, your efforts and deeds are diverse (different in aims and purpose).’ (Qur’an, 92:3-4)

Even if she is an identical twine, there will still be some distinguishing factors that tell her apart upon closer examination and inspection. Even her character and personal ambitions will make the difference. This factor of uniqueness is what makes your wife different from all other women.

Your wife has specific talents and abilities which distinguish her from other women. A husband is able to determine his wife’s specific purposes by looking at the mix of her abilities coupled with other factors including her strengths, health, height, looks, education, upbringing and passion.

Let’s once again have a critical look at the Bible’s ideal wife, but please look at it with fresh eyes:

Proverbs 31:11 – Her husband has full confidence in her . . . (14) She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. . . . (16) She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. . . . (17) She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. [Note: even her physical strength is valued.] (18) She sees that her trading is profitable . . . (24) She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. (25) She is clothed with strength and dignity . . . (26) She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. . . . (28) Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: (29) “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”. . . (30) Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. . . .

This is one highly capable woman! Her husband esteems her intellect, talents, economic prowess and even her physical strength. Such is his faith in her that he even lets her buy property! You might lament that your wife is not as capable as this amazing woman, but if you don’t see your wife as having that potential, your very perception is most likely what is keeping her from achieving it. The mother of your children needs you to believe in her. No one has the power to shape her destiny like you have.

Like the lover in the Song of Solomon, we see in the above Scripture that the husband of the ideal wife richly praises her. He exalts her, both with his actions (by entrusting her with great responsibilities) and with his words. Don’t wait until she does something exceptional; find things right now to praise her. As it says in an omitted part of the above passage, “. . . a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (verse 30). Use your words to build her up. Do all you can to inspire her to new heights. What happens to the man who dares do this? Is he despised, neglected or left behind? ‘Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.’ (Proverbs 31:23)

Once husbands are able to search and identify these factors, they are able to determine their wives limitations and possibilities, and then come to conclusions within their judgment of what their wives are best able to do.

A wife’s obligations are to maintain a home for a husband, to care for him, to provide companionship and to gratify his needs. She is to keep her husband’s secrets and protect their marital privacy. Issues of intimacy or faults of his that will dishonour him, are not to be disclosed by the wife, just as he is expected to guard her honour. She must also manage the household affairs wisely so as to prevent loss or waste.

Likewise, the husband is obligated to pay debts his wife incurs in running the household: bills for electricity, water, food, clothing, furnishings and so on. So, when the wife’s potentials become devoted to good cause, the husband finds satisfaction and enjoys ultimately. This is because, wives abilities are always being utilized in a manner to stimulate happiness for the benefit of the husband. Conversely, if the wives potential is employed in an expectation that does not match their abilities, then their conscience will be disturbed.

Her uniqueness keeps her interesting, attractive, curious, studious and interdependent. So, in trying to make their wives imitate other women, husbands should rather encourage their wives to enjoy being themselves. And while they expect their wives to be multitasking and live to their expectation, it is important for husbands to remember that their wives can not be everything. They are unique.

Below are nine things that husband must never do against his wife;

 Cheat on his wife.

 Refuse to eat food prepared by his wife even when both are quarrelling.

 Angrily hit, punch or slap his wife.

 Deny his wife sexual satisfaction, unless a genuine reason is given and accepted by the woman. Or upon a common understanding.

 Go to bed whilst angry with his wife.

 Limit the love and care he has for his wife.

 Say, ‘I regret of marrying this woman’.

 Refuse to reassure the wife of his everlasting love for her, as often as possible.

 Forget to appreciate every little thing his wife does for him.

Read Full Post »

Things Young Women Should Watch

If you as a woman wish to stand out and make a difference to the man of your dreams you have to make up your mind not to be weak. You must demonstrate in your every action that, though you may derive great enjoyment and fulfillment in the company of the man you want, you still have the capacity to survive very well and go on with your life and be happy without him if he ever takes you for granted or misuses you.

Before we talk about how to stand out perfectly around your man, lets first list the things young ladies should check on themselves when looking for a partner.

1. DRESSSING

2. BAD BREATH (HALITOSIS)

3. BODY SCENT (CHOICE OF PERFUME)

4. FINGER AND TOE NAILS

5. HAIR STYLE

6. CHOICE OF JEWEL

7. CHOICE OF MAKE-UP

8. THE WAY YOU WALK

9. CHIOCE OF WORDS

10. EATING HABITS

Below are advises to young women who are trying to bring true love into their life and into the life of the man they have chosen:

 Come to terms with the fact that you don’t need anyone to be happy in your life. You may want someone very badly, but in the end you must come to accept the reality that you will always somehow survive if it doesn’t happen and you will make the best of what life gives you.

 Make up your mind that you will not ever tolerate being disrespected, disregarded, misused, abused, or used in any fashion whatsoever. You need not revile against someone who so treats you, but you definitely make your absence felt in their life when they do so.

 Be reserved in the love you shower upon your man. You may bestow limited tokens of cherishing, but if they are not reciprocated in quantity and kind, back off or your love will become less and less appreciated and ultimately despised.

 Learn to listen objectively, and to reflect feelings expressed by him without advising, criticizing, or trying to change him.

 Don’t even offer too much sympathy, lest it be quickly taken for granted.

 Don’t be afraid to be without him for extended periods of time.

 When he is out of your life, make sure that your life is as happy and productive and fruitful as it ever is when he’s around. At the same time, don’t throw out a welcome mat that says, “Walk On Me!” the minute he starts coming back around. Show pleasure to see him again, but be restrained.

Read Full Post »