LOVE SERIES with Akumaa Mama Zimbi – Chapter Five: THE ESSENCE OF MARRIAGE

As an African, I believe that the social life of an individual is in four major stages, and each stage has its own rites of passage or ceremony. These stages are birth, puberty, marriage and death. The ceremonies associated with these stages are Naming Ceremony, Puberty Rites, Marriage Ceremony and Funeral Ceremony. The essence and spiritual significance of these stages go a long way to strengthen and reinforce our social order, values, integration and solidarity.

I am not a lawyer, but I know that in the eyes of the law, marriage is a contract whereby a man and a woman agree to enter into a union or partnership for life for their mutual benefit, to provide each other with companionship, sexual gratification, economic help, to procreate, to reproduce and raise children if any comes out of the union. But there is no marriage when there is no consummation, since without bodily union or sexual intercourse after the formal marriage ceremony or rites, the marriage is incomplete.

This also means that when a man who lives in abroad asks his family to come and perform the marriage rites of a woman who lives in Ghana for him, the marriage is incomplete until they physically meet and have sex. Not any type of sex like oral sex, breast, thigh, anal or phone sex but real and traditionally accepted vagina and penis intercourse. The question that the first sexual act among married couples should be necessarily be an unprotected sex is neither here nor there.

The formal marriage ceremony or rites is the event, action, covenant, or proclamation witnessed by both families in our culture that is recognized as declaring a man and woman to be married. Unfortunately, in Ghana, we have 3 forms of marriages; Customary Marriage, Mohammedan or Moslem Marriage, Christian Marriage or Marriage by Ordinance. The Customary Marriage which is also licensed under the Law is what many term as Engagement Ceremony.

Unfortunately, most people who opt for the Ordinance Marriage do the Customary Marriage as well. In other words, they marry twice. So, marriage largely depends on process and form of the choice of marriage you make. The Mohammedan Marriage was influenced by the Moslem religion. The Marriage by Ordinance was introduced into our society by our British colonial masters. But the Mohammedan marriage and the Marriage by Ordinance have similarities in registration under the Laws of Ghana.

Knocking or betrothal which is the act of the man and his family presenting a bottle or two of drinks to the woman’s family showing interest in marrying the woman is not marriage. The Knocking or betrothal which has been misrepresented by some religious doctrines in Ghana as our traditional Engagement Ceremony is a promise to marry and it also provides confidence during the period of time in the relationship between the marriage proposal and the marriage ceremony.

We must understand that marriage is a decision making journey which can be influenced by love, and which you must be convinced about the person you are travelling the journey of marriage with.

Which form of marriage have you chosen or intend to choose? Think about it. Medaase (meaning Thank You).

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LOVE SERIES with Akumaa Mama Zimbi – Chapter Four: KNOWING THE TRUE LOVE

Love at first sight does not often happen. Love is a process and develops with time and other factors. It may not be automatic but you must first like a person or something about him or her before you can claim that you love that person. Love is like a tree. It must be planted, watered, protected, manure added, pruned and weeded around.

You can truly be sure and appreciative of love when it begins to bare fruits. Is the type of fruit what you expected? Is the number of yields what you expected? Does the fruit taste the way you expected? You may not really need to judge by the yield and taste of the first harvest. This is because some plants produce good yields and great taste from their second or third season of harvest.

Love demands a conscious mindset. You don’t love someone because they seem perfect for you but also because you know their weaknesses and ready to adjust, manage and hope they change along the journey which may not be likely. Your partner is human just like you are. Within their limitations and weaknesses, you must learn to think positive about your partner if you honestly want to journey with him or her till the end.
Love should not just be based on the judgment of our five senses like what we hear, see, touch, taste and smell. It should also be based on our knowledge about ourselves and the person we wish to journey with. It is about risk, forgiveness and convenience. It is also about the ability to share jokes together, the ability to play games together, the ability to resolve conflicts between each other, the ability to appreciate each other, the ability to share with each other, and the ability to accept each other’s faults.

Love is about been honest about your finances and keeping secrets between you two. Love is about sensuality, immortality and sexuality in marriage. Therefore, love is just not a feeling we have. It’s more of a decision we make usually based on our feelings, circumstances, expectations and aspirations. And always remember, when God is in it, the dew of love is always new in the morning, even in old age.

Have you found your true love yet. Think about it. Medaase (meaning Thank You).

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LOVE SERIES with Akumaa Mama Zimbi – Chapter Two: THE CONCEPTS OF LOVE

What is love? Having a simple definition for love may be a cumbersome adventure and a fruitless exercise for me. This is because love may be psychological, neurological, historical or cultural, and it will always be part of our lives because it probably exists because of our cognitive nature. However, I think love is an abstract concept or perception, and also its evidence is almost always based on a necessary condition when we decide to be sincere to ourselves. I am talking about the one true love.

Firstly, love is an abstract concept or perception because unlike marriage that you can evidently prove by Law, religious or customary practices, I have personally not come across any empirical or socio-scientific proves of love. Love is just like believing in the supernatural. Love exists because we believe it does. ‘I love him because I know I do’. ‘He loves me because I know he does’. This makes love strange and mysterious. I wish to link this proposition to the ‘dual process theory’ in psychology. This theory states that we have two very basic forms of thought: System 1 and System 2. System 2 is the voice in our head that enables us to plan and think logically. But System 1 which is what I am talking about is intuitive, instinctual and automatic.

These capabilities in System 1 regularly develop in humans, regardless of where they are born. They are survival mechanisms. System 1 allows us to speak our native language without thinking about it and also gives babies the ability to recognize parents. In addition to these and many more, it helps us find a mate or partner and possibly love. Since this knowledge of love may be due to our spiritual nature, natural instincts, infatuation, obsession, chemical or hormonal reactions within us, I cannot give a definite meaning of love.

Secondly, love does not walk alone but almost always comes along with a necessary condition attached. Some men in abroad are introduced to pictures of ladies in Ghana, others meet ladies on the internet or through the social media and they ‘fall in love’. Some even ‘fall in love’ due to the voice they hear on phone which may be a wrong call. How can you ‘fall in love’ with a person when you’ve only seen the photograph of the person? How can you ‘fall in love’ with a person when you’ve only seen the virtual personality of the person on the internet? How can you ‘fall in love’ with a person when you’ve only heard the voice of the person or even seen the person on Television? These issues are real because the love is based on what they have seen, heard or imagined about the other person.

This is because, sincerely, at the back of our minds, ‘I Love You’ because of this and that. You love your partner because of a reason you know. And most times, the love we think we know and understand begins to fail when such compelling conditions or reasons begin to fail or cease to exist in the relationship or marriage. But what you see as compelling or necessary condition which may be a prove of love for you may not be the same with me.

You may see caring from a guy or from your husband as love, but I may think otherwise. You may see frequent calls and constant whatsapping from a guy or from your husband as love, but I may think otherwise. You may see a guy or your husband spending lavishly on you as love, but I may think otherwise. So since the necessary conditions differ with persons, I cannot give a definite meaning of love.

I guess you can give the meaning of love. Think about it. Medaase (meaning Thank You).

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LOVE SERIES with Akumaa Mama Zimbi – Chapter Two: MISREPRESENTATION OF LOVE

This chapter seeks to provide some answers to one of the most debated and controversial questions in human history that keeps bothering us till today. What is love? I do not want to start stating and explaining the forms of love like platonic love and agape love because the love I am talking about is strictly the love found in a relationship and marriage. I am not talking about the so called ‘LOVE’ which has become a very powerful and eternal false god of our imagination. Such LOVE causes people to maim, betray, kill, disobey their parents and even disobey their God.

Love, as the holy Bible defines money, answers all things. But the misunderstanding, misplacement and misappropriation of love can also be a doom and the root of all evils. We humans do marry unlike the animals because we have the power and opportunity to make an informed decision by considering several factors not disregarding entirely the opinion of the family. Some argue that marriage is love, but I will dissociate myself from that school of thought if they keep suggesting that love is just a feeling you have towards each other.

Animals sexually get attracted to each other. They yearn for companionship and care for each other. They mate. Some get jealous when others make sexual advances towards their chosen partners. They reproduce. They care and protect their young ones. These basic instincts that most mammals have happen in humans as well. Is this what we call love? If it is, why don’t the animals also marry? Some school of thought further argues that no one will marry his or her enemy, but I think people do.

Sometimes, Nations go to war, and Kingdoms fall all because of love. I am talking about something that its exact beginning and end can rarely be determined. I am talking about something which is not a drug but heals so many people from so many illnesses. I am talking about something which is not tangible but it can hit and hurt physically. I am talking about something which may be considered as a state of mind but can actually cause the malfunction of the heart which is the center of life in your body. It will always wait for you. It survives old age even when the children are grown and gone. It survives acute sicknesses. It last forever.

It is very unfortunate how the patriarchal nature of our society supported by modern religious tenets has explained the misjudgments of some men in history to their so called ‘LOVE’ of a woman.’ They have placed women as subjects, instruments or servants that the false god of their imagination called LOVE uses to destroy men and make them fall from grace as well.

This LOVE is not the love I am seeking to explain and propagate in this chapter. How can anyone suggest that prominent men in history fell or sinned because of the love they had for women or their wives. To me, women are not LOVE or objects of LOVE, but women are the graphic expressions of true love. This LOVE or ‘LOVE of a woman’ which I believe is just a false god of our imagination is not love, but may be due to our greediness, weakness, faithlessness, carelessness or lust. Besides, is the ‘LOVE of a man’ any better?

When a man is bold enough to tell a woman that ‘I Love You’, what does the statement mean to the man himself at that particular moment of declaration? Always remember that words are vague, ambiguous and flexible, so the same phrase can mean differently to different individuals.

To a man, saying ‘I Love You’ to a woman may mean ‘I want to support you’, ‘I want to marry you’, ‘I need you to have a child with me’, ‘You are beautiful’, ‘I like your manners’, I like your status, ‘I admire your talent’, ‘I admire your love for God’, ‘I like how you present yourself’, ‘I need a woman in my life because I am growing’, ‘I want to sleep with you’, ‘I want to have you because of the good things I have done for you’, ‘I want to stay with you in the same room’, ‘I want to be around you most of the time’ or ‘I need your help and support’. Which of these meanings did you know was at the back of your man’s head when you responded to his proposal and said to him that “I Love You Too’?

Try to remember and ask yourself, when you accepted his proposal and said to him that “I Love You Too’, what did you also mean?

Did you really understand what you said? Did you really understand what you accepted? Think about it. Medaase (meaning Thank You).

Please click link to watch video: https://youtu.be/dOd5UDhdkVQ

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LOVE SERIES with Akumaa Mama Zimbi – Chapter One: REASONS FOR LOVE

Throughout my years of helping people with how to choose the right partner for marriage, and also helping couples solve marital problems, I have come across sensitive but usually overlooked questions like managing Joint Account in marriage, when couples have different work shifts, how much money should a man spend on marriage rings, should a lady contribute financially for her wedding, when to accept a marriage proposal, when to divorce, dealing with troublesome in-laws and step children, can a married woman make a Will, how to manage abuses in marriage, and how to satisfy your husband or wife sexually.

People marry for many reasons like ‘love’, happiness, money, companionship, physical attraction, desire to escape from an unhappy situation and the desire to have children. Most couple’s marriage life is filled up with achievable and non achievable expectations. Some of the expectations will be realistic while others unrealistic. This is due to the complex nature of marriage, and each individual is as complex as how we arrive at the decision to marry. For me, marriage goes beyond these interests.

I always say to my listeners and viewers on radio and TV that there are no definite answers to issues in human relations like relationships and marriage. But the subjective views from a marriage counselor, relationship expert and sex educator like me, and with the knowledge you have acquired from others and from your own experience will help you shape your relationship or marriage for the better.

Personally, I don’t claim to have answers to every relationship or marriage issues, but I strongly believe that understanding the institution of marriage will surely help you to lift a standard against the fierce flood that always seek to devour our relationships and marriages. This is because if you keep on doing the same old things you are likely to get the same old results.

There is no doubt that the choice of a marital partner is one of the most important decisions one makes in his or her lifetime, and this is one basic challenge that this series seek to make easier for all those who are yet to enter into marriage and also offer adequate, practical and sustainable knowledge for all those who are already in marriage.

However, I see marriage really as not just the form or type chosen, but a conscious and holy agreement, commitment with love and responsibility for peace. Marriage is about sacrificing your freedom to attain the ultimate happiness of your partner and your descendants. It involves emotional and legal commitments. This is why I keep saying that a relationship or even courtship is not the stage to know everything about your partner. Neither is marriage the stage to meet shock and surprises about your partner.

What are your reasons for falling in love? Are you going to achieve them? Think about it. Medaase (meaning Thank You).

Please click link to watch video: https://youtu.be/H6qm1qJaazA

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My girlfirend has used another guy as her DP

Hello Dr. Mama Zimbi, am Eric. I think i have been the most foolish man ever known. I have wasted my time, money n every thing on this girl while on campus. I did all am suppose to knowing very well that she is going to be my would be wife. The saddest part is that for three years stay she never acted like breaking up with me . After a support for her to enter into University am now a junky. I loved her even to the extent of sending her to my parents. She is telling me to let her be of her self. I only call her to hear dishurting words in the of finding how she is doing. Her mother still calls me to stay calm but she has now blocked me and used a different man as her Dp. Am disturb, my heart is shaking. Not all this but cant say everything. Please advice me. Thanks

I want to do the abortion tonight

Hello Dr. Mama Zimbi, I am Belinda, 19yrs in Level 200. My father’s friend is 39yrs. He is good and Godfearing man. Sometimes he advice me to learn hard and also stay away from bad guys. I thought I’ve get a good uncle but not knowing he is more than the devil. He sometimes buy provisions for me and gives me money. He convince me oneday when I visited him and slept with me. He has been sleeping with me for the past 3months. Last month I missed my period and I told him. He bought a device at a pharmacy and told me to urinate in a bucket, he drop some amount of my urine on the device and the results was positive.

We went to some private hospital and he lied to the doctor that I’m his niece and someone has got me pregnant so the doctor should terminate it for me. I told them I want to go to the washroom. I run to school. Yesterday, he called me and pleaded to me to abort it for him cos he Cant stand the disgrace. He is a church elder and he has a wife with three children so I should abort. If I do this for him, he will try his best to get me visa for holidays. Mama, I fear to do that. I always observe that he is quiet and worried. I’ve made my mind to go and terminate the pregnancy tomorrow. Should I do it or stop it? Please advice me?