If condom burst and you quickly remove it, can she get pregnant?

Hello Mama Zimbi, my name is Joe. I am 24yrs old and my lady is 25yrs old. I have a problem with my girlfriend and I want you to help me. The problem is that oneday she came to visit me and I asked her for sex and she said okay. By the time we were having sex the condom burst and I removed it quickly. She told me that she will be pregnant and I used another condom that one did not burst. When we finished she was crying and I ask why. She told me that she is afraid that she will be pregnant. Mama my question is that if condom burst and you quickly remove it, can she get pregnant? Please help me because I am very confused.

Foreplay skills for Ghanaian men

Marriage is a Continues Schooling

The fact that a man remains a husband makes him not only a survivor, but a person who understands marriage. Yet, each day, a husband is faced with temporary defeats that if allowed, will rob the marriage of lasting relationship and happiness.

‘Marriage is a long journey, not a destination. It demands a strong and positive self-imaged man called a husband to command it.’

Hopefully, a husband must also understand that the future of the marriage relationship rests in the lessons he learns from these temporary set-backs. One set-back is conflict in the home. Once couples are married, they have to deal with the inevitability of arguments and conflict. Couples who deal poorly with arguments and conflict build up a history of negative emotional interactions that erodes marital satisfaction.

‘Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.’ (1 Peter 3:7-9)

‘Men are protectors and maintainers of women…’ (Qur’an, 4:34)

Karney and Bradbury reviewed a few studies on marital satisfaction and created the vulnerability-stress-adaptation model. As the name implies, the vulnerability-stress-adaptation model involves three main concepts:

©      Vulnerability – each partner brings strengths and weaknesses to the relationship, including personality, beliefs and attitudes about marriage, and social background.

©      Stress – various life events can cause the partners to experience tension and aggravation.

©      Adaptation – the partners engage in processes to deal with conflict, which vary in terms of how the partners communicate and support each other.

How well couples handle conflict and stress depends on their vulnerabilities, the kinds of stresses they face, and their processes of adaptation. Couples, who handle conflict and stress poorly to the extent of inviting third parties, become less and less satisfied with their relationships over time.

Every husband must be able to identify and practice the best means and form to resolve conflict between him and his wife.

A married man is an effective and efficient husband when he is an active peacemaker, i.e. building bridges of common understanding in order to achieve a long term relationship.

Should you reason, agree, apologize, fight or leave? Which is your benefit and to the benefit of those you must protect? Arguing often makes your wife defensive and determined to prevail.  As much as possible avoid conflict but if it occurs, below are general principles that every husband must adopt in conflict resolution at home:

1. Remain calm and detached.
2. Let go of your anger. It only clouds the issue and draws you into a quick response.
3. Allow your wife to rage while you consider the appropriate response.
4. Whenever possible, use kindness as a weapon against evil.
5. Neutralize shouting with soft words.
6. Answer threats with serene confidence.
7. Speak plainly.
8. Don’t use foul language or sarcasm.
9. Breathe deeply with long exhalations.
10. Maintain your presence. Don’t exaggerate.
11. Think about an interesting time you had together
12. Don’t lie.
13. Attack the argument and not the person.
14. Don’t invite a third party.
15. Pray for your wife.

In fact, husbands who use humour and gentleness to soothe the feelings of their wives, and who respond calmly to the negative emotional expressions of their wives, are more likely to resolve conflicts in the home. Other characteristics which do not help in conflict resolution in the home are:

• Criticism – instead of complaining about behaviour, you attack your partner’s personality or character, usually with blame. Criticism of personality also comes in the form of listing complaints about past behaviours and thereby suggesting a character fault.
• Contempt – contempt is criticism that is intended to insult and psychologically abuse a partner. Contempt reflects a very negative view of your partner.
• Defensiveness – defensiveness is a way of avoiding taking responsibility for setting things right by denying responsibility, making excuses, attributing negative thoughts to partners, using one’s own complaints to counter a partner’s complaints, and simply repeating oneself.
•  Stonewalling – stonewalling is a break down of communication. The partners turn into ‘stone walls’ and stop responding to communication.

Also, a husband as a diplomat must use his creativity and imagination to turn unpleasant lessons into pleasant ones in the future. This calls for the husband to occasionally sit down and reflect on the success and apparent failures that the marriage has gone through.

As the husband reflects, he must ask himself what went well, what didn’t go well, what could have been done differently in the future to get the best results. A husband can’t expect to obtain happiness in the marriage from doing more of the things that aren’t working. Although, some things take practice in order to gain comfort, a husband is not seeing improvements and results from certain practice, that’s a good sign that, he is doing or taking the wrong approach.

Knowledge is the Power behind Marriage

The husband has one clear and unavoidable primary obligation: to provide his wife with the necessities of life. However, there are some basic characteristics and facts that every effective and efficient husband must know and possess.

One of the greatest differentials between successful and unsuccessful marriages is the amount of adequate knowledge that the husband possess. Some people would think that money would be the most important factor for the success of marriages, but with my over 10 years of teaching on the subjects of sex and marriage, I have come to know the truth that having money alone does not make marriages successful.

Disaster and misunderstanding strikes in marriages when husbands run the marriage life on limited knowledge. Not understanding the possible obstacles and dangers facing the marriage due to ignorance. Besides, the Holy Scriptures says lack of knowledge makes every establishment like the marriage institution perishes, and also instructs husband to have knowledge and understanding when dealing with their wives.

‘…Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.’ (1 Peter 3:7)

Husbands are not wise when they succumb to the casual and common way of joking about how difficult it is to ‘understanding females.’ Any human being (male or female) is complex in personality and behaviour. So no one is easy to understand. The Bible does not say it will be easy to understand a marriage partner, but specifically commands a husband to have an extensive, practical knowledge of his wife and her ways, and to live with her in light of that knowledge.

It is important for every husband to make sure that he gets enough information to carry out the tasks that he desires to make the marriage successful. Although, our generation is a generation of abundance knowledge, there seems to be inequalities between husbands when it comes to getting good results from the information that they acquire to build their marriages. This seems to be because, many husbands do not know that they need more than just the mere acquisition of knowledge, they need adequate knowledge. For example;

In authority wise, the husband is the first among equals in every marriage. The power of the husband evolves from their wives. Without their wives, they are no husbands. Children do not make husbands, but wives do.

The above statement can only be understood and comprehended by husbands who are in tune with adequate knowledge of the times. It is only through knowledge that a married man will understand his new duties, responsibilities and function as a husband.

A husband may be able to acquire adequate knowledge from several sources like;

©      Books and magazines

©      His own experience and that of others

©      Counsellors

©      Marriage seminars

©      Music, movies, sports, games and paintings

©      Internet

©      Television and radio talk shows.

Knowledge is indeed power. Without knowledge, marriages will always be unsuccessful. Knowledge feeds our desires with an awareness of alternative choices. Husbands with adequate information on how the 21^st centaury marriage works are able to gain advantages in life that the ignorant often miss out.

Great opportunities that can heal and advance our marriages do come knocking on our doors often, but when a husband lacks certain information, the marriage relationship misses the chance to seize these new opportunities forever.

A Married Man is an Entrepreneur

One of the main reasons for weaknesses in marriages in Ghana that may lead to divorce is husbands’ inability to stump their authority at home and adequately appreciate and perform their marital duties and responsibilities as entrepreneurs.

 Until every married man sees himself as an entrepreneur, marriages will always be at the verge of breakdown and try and error.

An entrepreneur, a loanword from French, which was first introduced, loved and defined by the Irish economist, Richard Cantillon can be defined as;

‘…a person who undertakes and operates a new enterprise or venture and assumes some accountability for the inherent risk.’

An entrepreneur can also be defined as a problem solver, a person who solves problems for people at a profit. Entrepreneurship is often difficult, as many new ventures fail from the beginning.

Marriage, as every business institution is an adventurous, interesting, risky and full of blessings, and it must be run as such. Business entrepreneurs (just like married men) often have strong beliefs about an opportunity and are willing to accept a high level of personal and financial risk to pursue that opportunity.  

Sometimes, it tastes like honey, other times it’s extremely bitter. Many times, the performance of a married man’s roles become stressful due to role conflict and his inability to define his roles properly, however he is expected to perform these tasks any way. Both entrepreneur and married men must and do have these personal traits as stated by John G. Burch (Business Horizon, September 1986);

•    A desire to achieve: The push to conquer problems, and give birth to a successful venture.
•    Hard working: It is often suggested that many entrepreneurs are workaholics.
•   Nurturing qualities: Willing to take charge of, and watch over a venture until it can stand alone.
•   Acceptance of responsibility: are morally, legally, and mentally accountable for their ventures. Some entrepreneurs may be driven more by altruism than by self-interest.
•    Reward orientation: Desire to achieve, work hard, and take responsibility, but also with a commensurate desire to be rewarded handsomely for their effort; rewards can be in forms other than money, such as recognition and respect.
•    Optimism: Live by the philosophy that this is the best of times, and that anything is possible.
•   Orientation to excellence: Often desire to achieve something outstanding that they can be proud of.

Securing marriages in Ghana

Looking at the growing rate of divorces, court cases for alimony, physical abuses and single parents; it does seem as if handling a relationship can be a tricky and often a taxing issue. Yet, critical analyses of recent contracted marriages in Ghana as against the increasing rate of divorce indicate that our attachment to marriage as our basic social institution is weakening.

For example, in the Central Region of Ghana alone, the contracted marriages of 2007, 2006 and 2005 were 85, 113, 91 respectively, but the average number of divorce in the same region is 4 in every week. This means that, an average of 16 marriages break-up in every month and a total average of 192 registered marriages break-up in the Central Region of Ghana each year.   This figure of 192 divorces as against 85, 113 or 91 contracted marriages in a particular year in truly alarming, and this calls for a stricter look at the marriage institution once again.

People marry for many reasons, like love, happiness, money, companionship, physical attraction, desire to escape from an unhappy situation and the desire to have children. But marriage goes beyond these interests. It is a commitment with love and responsibility for peace, happiness and development of strong family relationships. It is the sacrificing of your freedom to attain the ultimate happiness for your partner. It involves emotional and legal commitment that is quite important in any adult life.

In the eyes of the law, marriage is a contract whereby a man and a woman agree to enter into a union for life for their mutual benefit, to provide each other with companionship, sexual gratification and economic help and to procreate and raise children.

The role of husband and wife to each other is a matter more of custom and tradition than of law. Marital role can be defined as set of attitudes and behaviours a spouse is expected to demonstrate in the content of the marriage relationship.

Marriage, although it merits being called romantic, passionate, strong, resonant, robust, hardy, solid, indestructible, indissoluble institution, is actually full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your relationship, and make your love life even deeper and stronger than when it began. It’s more delicate and unsteady than you think. You co-habit with your spouse 365 days a year. Of those 365 days, how many were good days? How many were bad?

When you get married, you think that as long as you have picked the right man, you’ll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, ‘This is not what I really want in life’.

Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths, and from where he sits, you’re pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn’t mean you’re done, it just means you’ve advanced to graduate-level studies. That’s because every time you think you’ve mastered the material, he’ll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process. Therefore, in marriage, two universes come close together.

Sensual Dysfunction

To be a great lover and the woman to fully enjoy, the man must master the art of foreplay. Lot of men think foreplay is a pre-requisite to a good sex, whiles their women also perceive foreplay as an integral part of the process of sex itself. Therefore, foreplay can also be defined as the method by which the woman’s level of sexual excitement is increased and allowing her to have sex and enjoy it.

Sometimes in the foreplay leading up to penetration, a man’s erection softens or even disappears altogether. This is quite normal. Erections come and go during sex. All that’s usually needed to restore firmness is a little more direct stimulation such as oral sex or the contact of his penis with his partner’s vulva.

1. Fear of Rejection

In the real world, sex is more likely to be impeded by anxiety. Fear of rejection, fear of not meeting the partner’s expectations, and fear of not being able to perform are among the most common emotional barriers to intercourse. Some dysfunctional people harbour feelings of guilt over their sexual needs, or lack the skill or desire to stimulate their partner. Even mild anxiety can impede or disable sexual performance. Ignorance and inexperience contribute their own problems.

“Frequently, for instance” reveals Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan in Psychology Today, “neither spouse knows where the clitoris is or recognizes its potential for eliciting erotic pleasure. They have intercourse as soon as the husband has an erection, and he ejaculates without considering whether his partner is ready. Such couples genuinely wonder why the wife does not reach orgasm.”

Self-hatred manifests itself in a number of anti-erotic behaviours. “Some women are reluctant to act seductively for fear of rejection and ridicule. Young women … express the desire to look ‘sexy’ and wear seductive clothes, but fear that men in particular will think them grotesque. … Many obese persons attempt to hide their bodies under cover of darkness, or keep their clothes on during sexual intimacy.”

2. Fear of Touch

For many men, the opportunity to be touched, even casually by a woman is arousing. And, no, it’s not because men are different than women innately. This is because boys are often raised with little physical nurturance. Some men are so touch deprived that they shut off the awareness of the need for it entirely. As a result they appear cold, distant and emotionally unavailable. They have little understanding of why a woman wants to be touched or cuddled. It completely baffles them.

Many cultures within the larger Ghanaian culture work to toughen up boys and assume that cuddling, hugging and kissing boys makes “Mama Ba” (Mama’s boys) out of them. This creates an environment in which our male children are raised without physical touch. Yet we know, from years of research that touch is a basic need. Babies deprived of touch do not survive; they will quit eating and die. While men, even 5 or 6 year old boys are not infants, they, like all of us have a basic need to be held, to be touched, and otherwise physically nurtured. This need for touch can be hidden away for years, until perhaps in their early teens, a girl steals a kiss or holds his hands. Suddenly he finds himself aroused and from that moment on, associates touch with sex.

Then these poor guys get accused of being hyper sexual because the need for touch, which has been repressed for years, suddenly emerges as sexual desire. The hormone oxytocin carries messages of bonding, safety, overall well being and of love to our brains and to our bodies. It also increases sexual arousal. This hormone is released when there is any type of skin-to-skin contact. This generally happens at the same time as the developmental hormonal changes of adolescence, further complicating matters. From the male perspective then, touch is equal to sex.

Couples observed touching affectionately test as being more securely attached and having a more satisfying sex life. If you are unhappy with the amount of sexual activity with your partner, notice what happens when you become more affectionate in general with each other. Increasing overall affectionate behaviors can have a positive effect on each of you individually, as well as increasing the amount of sexual activity between you.

Touch alone can transform the quality of your relationship.

If you are not feeling safe enough with your partner to enjoy copious amounts of affection, you might want to ask yourself why not. Is this because of your own discomfort with touch? Or is it because you fear that touch will initiate sex when that is always what you want? Is your partner uncomfortable with touch and therefore reluctant to express their affection physically? These are all questions that you and your partner should discuss, certainly before committing to a long-term relationship.

3. Fear of Pain

During sexual arousal some things that might otherwise be painful (such as the application of ice) can be pleasurable. Spanking, for example, is not really painful when done in a restrained manner to the buttocks. But some people will allow themselves to endure real pain or humiliation if they feel the pleasure or rewards of a relationship still outweigh the benefits. A person may endure cruel treatment or even beatings for the sake of love or hot sex. In some cases the treatment is a cost paid for a rewarding relationship, in some cases it adds “spice” or there may be a confusing mixture.

Nonetheless, erotic arousal can be coaxed, and this can often be done by creating the right mood, creating a feeling of safety, familiarity and pleasure in touching, and by expressing appropriate consideration and interest. Being “seduced” (an enjoyable game played by two consenting adults) can be a pleasant kind of attention.

In such cases “seduction” can be a gentle way for one or both participants to safely explore how far they really want to go. Some people attempt to find aphrodisiacs to simplify the process, but there is no aphrodisiac that compares to enthusiasm, i.e. finding the keys to a person’s personal erotic interests (when they exist).

In both sexes, early sexual excitement is marked by blood rushing to the skin surfaces and to the sexual organs, causing erection in the man, clitoral swelling in the woman, enlargement of her breasts and nipples and usually his nipples too, a bit of secretion from the penis, lubrication of her vagina, and muscular tension as well as a flushed appearance to the face and chest.

Romance Is A Process, Not An Event

Romance in the home is different from foreplay which shall be discussed in detail under another chapter in this book. It is important to know that romance is not foreplay. Romance covers the day to day activities, behaviour and feeling both partners share towards each other.

Romance is both a conscious and unconscious statements partners makes to each other through several means, even eye contact speaks a lot. The unconscious statements or actions of romance are instinctive in nature and cannot be readily controlled, but all depends on the settings. Romantic settings include:

1. Mind Setting
2. Environment Setting
3. Body Setting

 1.      Mind Setting

You must understand that romance in necessary. Without it your affection for each other will never develop. You must believe that your partner is your prime source of joy and happiness in the whole world and you are willing to let your partner know through the romance. Mind setting includes:

©      Remembering Birthdays and Anniversaries– Remembering your beloved’s birthday and your anniversary isn’t so much romantic as what you do for your partner on that special day.

As far as birthday presents and so forth go, you can make the gift personal by carefully considering your beloved’s interests and choosing a gift uniquely suited to her personality.

©      Your Time– One of the required ingredients of romance is sacrificing part of your time. Women normally values the time their partners have for them as the measure of how much their care about them. Remember, there’s no way out of it.

©      Read the same Romantic books one after the other– There should be times the two of you sit close to each other and read the same book like this one word for word. Even if you read a romantic novel without the knowledge of the other, convince your partner to read also. Watch Romantic movies together.

©      Go to quiet and serene places together– This includes the beach. Interestingly, the only time some couples share romantic moments together is when they are in bed at night. The two of you should move out of home sometimes and find comfortable haven away from home.

2.      Environment Setting

‘For this cause I left thee in Crete, that thou should set in order the things that are wanting…’ (1 Titus 1:5)

This is setting the things around you in order. Romance in the home is different from foreplay. The three elements to enhance when creating a romantic home are comfort, nature and the past. These three can be explained as:

• Comfort: Satisfy the senses with soothing colours for the eyes; fresh scents of herbs and flowers for the nose; delightful, mellow tactile experiences for touch.
• Nature: Let the natural lights in and keep window treatments to a minimum. Bring nature in through natural elements like flowers, vegetables, fruits, dried grasses and flowers, shells, bird nests, etc.
• The Past: Find charming antique objects like old wine bottles for use every day. An old kettle makes a delightful container for a fruit and flower arrangement.

A romantic environment includes:

©      Furniture setting-[dinning room, hall, bathroom, kitchen, bedroom]

©      Room scent– the smell of your room should always be pleasant and sweet. Natural flowers scent or the cold breeze from outside is always the best.

©      Background music– Background music is romantic, and note the word “background,” because not just any music is romantic. For music to be romantic, it must be too soft to hear. Also, it may not be lively or funny or good but quickens the love hormones in you.

©      Cute Things– Teddy bears are romantic. Puppies are romantic. Those photographs where two little kids exhibit an unnatural affection for each other and only the roses are in colour are romantic.

The rule is simple. Small things are cute. If you see a food product in the supermarket that comes in a smaller package than usual, get it, because there’s a very good chance it’s cute. The same goes for travel size shampoo, toothpaste, and so on.

Some things are inherently romantic, like hearts. This is very useful, because you can pile things upon the object of your affections and win romance points without expending any additional effort or thought. The trick is to figure out what is romantic and what is not. There is a basic rule of thumb to follow: if it’s cool, it’s not romantic.

©      Low Light– Candles are romantic. Sunrises and sunsets are romantic. Any kind of low light you see, is romantic, hence dinner dates after dark are more romantic than lunch dates at noon.

Combine low light sources, and it stands to reason that the air of romance will be so thick, your beloved will be blind to anything else but the radiance of her shimmering knight in armour. Open the curtains on a sunset and light some candles, and you might even be able to get away with watching a football game during dinner.

©      Red and Pink Colour– Red and pink are romantic, because red is the colour of love and passion and pink is the beauty. Consider roses. Red roses mean, “I love you.” Yellow roses mean, “Let’s just be friends,” which is synonymous with, “You are irritating, and I hate you.”

So you do not want to be wrong. Get her red or pink roses, red or pink ribbons, red or pink balloons, red or pink teddy bears, red or pink dresses and jewels and she’ll fall hopelessly under your spell.

©      Chocolates– Chocolates are not only romantic, they’re complimentary. When you give a box of chocolates to your beloved, it says, “You are still the apple of my eye.” It doesn’t matter if it’s true — it’s the message that counts. But the real reason to give your loved one chocolate is because any loved one worth her salt will turn right around and offer you some. It’s a win-win no matter how you look at it.

©      Personal Stuff– Romance is personal. To be romantic, you must be personal and do personal kind of things. It’s sort of romantic to buy an expensive greeting card for your loved one, but to be really romantic, you should sign it.

Even when a woman comes homes late and she is not able to cook that evening, she can buy some kenkey from town. But to make that supper romantic, she needs to add her personal touch. She must add sliced tomatoes and onions which she does herself.

©      Expensive Coke also works. Expensive Coke is taking her to a very long distance far away from home, and buying her just a bottle of soft drink. Flowers always work.

3.      Body Setting

This is thorough cleanliness of the body which entails shaving, brushing, bathing, use of good perfume and deodorant to make your body attractive and pleasant. Cleanliness must cover the:

©      Mouth-[teeth, tongue, breath]

©      Nails-[fingers, toes]

©      Ears and Nose

©      Private parts-[vagina, penis and testicles, armpit]

©       Underwear-[panties, brassieres, nightwear, boxer shorts, singlet]

Let me state here that, no woman should buy her nightwear on her own. Women nightwear should be bought by their husbands.

©       Make ups-[hair, face, skin]

In these modern times, beauty does not just lie in the eyes of the beholder, but it appreciates or depreciates with time and familiarity in the eyes of the beholder.

Complete beauty consists of both inner and outer beauty. Whilst the inner beauty is innate and evolves from the hidden personality of the woman, outer beauty can be bought. Every woman must look attractive and sexy. Use the best of make-up if necessary including new hair styles, manicure, pedicures and the best of body creams.

 

A Married Man Is Respected At The City Gate

Since change is the only constant thing in life, it is something husbands ought to enjoy at a steady pace. However, there are some factors of life that need to be constant in order for husbands to keep their marriages sane and build stability.

Women are very interesting beings. As often as they keep criticism more to heart than men, so as every weak smile from their husbands make them feel threatened. A husband must maintain the pace of the relationship between him and his wife. Marriage is like fire that needs to be fuelled to keep it burning, and it is the prime responsibility of the husband to keep it burning.

A husband must be very innovative and establish an effective communication channel like telephone calls and text messages, plan to meet each other at a specific place, find a hobby that you can both share, surprise your partner with cards, gifts, letters or flowers. He must also make it a habit to pray for the wife, be supportive and give her encouraging lyrics.

Also, husbands are expected to remain calm, courteous and loving at all times regardless of the wife’s behaviour. Some outstanding qualities of a husband which helps in keeping the pace of the marriage is attentiveness, loyalty, maturity, respect for confidentiality and discretion, a positive attitude and dependability. All these can be achieved when a husband accepts that there has never being any woman as beautiful and intelligent than his wife in the entire universe and never will be.

‘By Him Who created male and female; Verily, your efforts and deeds are diverse (different in aims and purpose).’ (Qur’an, 92:3-4)

Even if she is an identical twine, there will still be some distinguishing factors that tell her apart upon closer examination and inspection. Even her character and personal ambitions will make the difference. This factor of uniqueness is what makes your wife different from all other women.

Your wife has specific talents and abilities which distinguish her from other women. A husband is able to determine his wife’s specific purposes by looking at the mix of her abilities coupled with other factors including her strengths, health, height, looks, education, upbringing and passion.

Let’s once again have a critical look at the Bible’s ideal wife, but please look at it with fresh eyes:

Proverbs 31:11 – Her husband has full confidence in her . . . (14) She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. . . . (16) She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. . . . (17) She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. [Note: even her physical strength is valued.] (18) She sees that her trading is profitable . . . (24) She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. (25) She is clothed with strength and dignity . . . (26) She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. . . . (28) Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: (29) “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”. . . (30) Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. . . .

This is one highly capable woman! Her husband esteems her intellect, talents, economic prowess and even her physical strength. Such is his faith in her that he even lets her buy property! You might lament that your wife is not as capable as this amazing woman, but if you don’t see your wife as having that potential, your very perception is most likely what is keeping her from achieving it. The mother of your children needs you to believe in her. No one has the power to shape her destiny like you have.

Like the lover in the Song of Solomon, we see in the above Scripture that the husband of the ideal wife richly praises her. He exalts her, both with his actions (by entrusting her with great responsibilities) and with his words. Don’t wait until she does something exceptional; find things right now to praise her. As it says in an omitted part of the above passage, “. . . a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (verse 30). Use your words to build her up. Do all you can to inspire her to new heights. What happens to the man who dares do this? Is he despised, neglected or left behind? ‘Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.’ (Proverbs 31:23)

Once husbands are able to search and identify these factors, they are able to determine their wives limitations and possibilities, and then come to conclusions within their judgment of what their wives are best able to do.

A wife’s obligations are to maintain a home for a husband, to care for him, to provide companionship and to gratify his needs. She is to keep her husband’s secrets and protect their marital privacy. Issues of intimacy or faults of his that will dishonour him, are not to be disclosed by the wife, just as he is expected to guard her honour. She must also manage the household affairs wisely so as to prevent loss or waste.

Likewise, the husband is obligated to pay debts his wife incurs in running the household: bills for electricity, water, food, clothing, furnishings and so on. So, when the wife’s potentials become devoted to good cause, the husband finds satisfaction and enjoys ultimately. This is because, wives abilities are always being utilized in a manner to stimulate happiness for the benefit of the husband. Conversely, if the wives potential is employed in an expectation that does not match their abilities, then their conscience will be disturbed.

Her uniqueness keeps her interesting, attractive, curious, studious and interdependent. So, in trying to make their wives imitate other women, husbands should rather encourage their wives to enjoy being themselves. And while they expect their wives to be multitasking and live to their expectation, it is important for husbands to remember that their wives can not be everything. They are unique.

Below are nine things that husband must never do against his wife;

 Cheat on his wife.

 Refuse to eat food prepared by his wife even when both are quarrelling.

 Angrily hit, punch or slap his wife.

 Deny his wife sexual satisfaction, unless a genuine reason is given and accepted by the woman. Or upon a common understanding.

 Go to bed whilst angry with his wife.

 Limit the love and care he has for his wife.

 Say, ‘I regret of marrying this woman’.

 Refuse to reassure the wife of his everlasting love for her, as often as possible.

 Forget to appreciate every little thing his wife does for him.

Appreciating little details in marriage

Though I may attribute the causes of this high rate of divorce or unhappy marriages in Ghana to couples immaturity and unfaithfulness, I think our ignorant and misinterpretation of certain elements in our marriages which some are necessities (both good and evil) and others priorities forms a greater contribution, particularly when we refuse to take notice and appreciate every little details.

Let me share with you a true story one of my regular internet radio listeners in Norway sent to me through my email and you will understand what I mean:

‘When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’ She sat down and ate quietly. Again, I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. ‘I want a divorce!’ I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, ‘why?’ I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer. She had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew. I didn’t love her anymore….I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said, for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally, she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was slept again. In the morning, she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live normal life as possible.

Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month’s duration, I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. ‘No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce,’ Dew said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us and said repeatedly, ‘Daddy is holding mummy in his arms.’ His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, ‘Don’t tell our son about the divorce.’ And I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily.

She leaned on my chest… I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair had become grey! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning.

She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, ‘All my dresses have grown bigger’. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me that, she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, ‘Dad, it’s time to carry mum out.’ To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly.

I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, ‘I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.’

I drove to office… jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, ‘Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.’ She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead and asked, ‘Do you have a fever?’ I moved her hand off my head and said to her, ‘Sorry, Dew, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I realise that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.’

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, ‘I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.’