Sensual Dysfunction

To be a great lover and the woman to fully enjoy, the man must master the art of foreplay. Lot of men think foreplay is a pre-requisite to a good sex, whiles their women also perceive foreplay as an integral part of the process of sex itself. Therefore, foreplay can also be defined as the method by which the woman’s level of sexual excitement is increased and allowing her to have sex and enjoy it.

Sometimes in the foreplay leading up to penetration, a man’s erection softens or even disappears altogether. This is quite normal. Erections come and go during sex. All that’s usually needed to restore firmness is a little more direct stimulation such as oral sex or the contact of his penis with his partner’s vulva.

1. Fear of Rejection

In the real world, sex is more likely to be impeded by anxiety. Fear of rejection, fear of not meeting the partner’s expectations, and fear of not being able to perform are among the most common emotional barriers to intercourse. Some dysfunctional people harbour feelings of guilt over their sexual needs, or lack the skill or desire to stimulate their partner. Even mild anxiety can impede or disable sexual performance. Ignorance and inexperience contribute their own problems.

“Frequently, for instance” reveals Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan in Psychology Today, “neither spouse knows where the clitoris is or recognizes its potential for eliciting erotic pleasure. They have intercourse as soon as the husband has an erection, and he ejaculates without considering whether his partner is ready. Such couples genuinely wonder why the wife does not reach orgasm.”

Self-hatred manifests itself in a number of anti-erotic behaviours. “Some women are reluctant to act seductively for fear of rejection and ridicule. Young women … express the desire to look ‘sexy’ and wear seductive clothes, but fear that men in particular will think them grotesque. … Many obese persons attempt to hide their bodies under cover of darkness, or keep their clothes on during sexual intimacy.”

2. Fear of Touch

For many men, the opportunity to be touched, even casually by a woman is arousing. And, no, it’s not because men are different than women innately. This is because boys are often raised with little physical nurturance. Some men are so touch deprived that they shut off the awareness of the need for it entirely. As a result they appear cold, distant and emotionally unavailable. They have little understanding of why a woman wants to be touched or cuddled. It completely baffles them.

Many cultures within the larger Ghanaian culture work to toughen up boys and assume that cuddling, hugging and kissing boys makes “Mama Ba” (Mama’s boys) out of them. This creates an environment in which our male children are raised without physical touch. Yet we know, from years of research that touch is a basic need. Babies deprived of touch do not survive; they will quit eating and die. While men, even 5 or 6 year old boys are not infants, they, like all of us have a basic need to be held, to be touched, and otherwise physically nurtured. This need for touch can be hidden away for years, until perhaps in their early teens, a girl steals a kiss or holds his hands. Suddenly he finds himself aroused and from that moment on, associates touch with sex.

Then these poor guys get accused of being hyper sexual because the need for touch, which has been repressed for years, suddenly emerges as sexual desire. The hormone oxytocin carries messages of bonding, safety, overall well being and of love to our brains and to our bodies. It also increases sexual arousal. This hormone is released when there is any type of skin-to-skin contact. This generally happens at the same time as the developmental hormonal changes of adolescence, further complicating matters. From the male perspective then, touch is equal to sex.

Couples observed touching affectionately test as being more securely attached and having a more satisfying sex life. If you are unhappy with the amount of sexual activity with your partner, notice what happens when you become more affectionate in general with each other. Increasing overall affectionate behaviors can have a positive effect on each of you individually, as well as increasing the amount of sexual activity between you.

Touch alone can transform the quality of your relationship.

If you are not feeling safe enough with your partner to enjoy copious amounts of affection, you might want to ask yourself why not. Is this because of your own discomfort with touch? Or is it because you fear that touch will initiate sex when that is always what you want? Is your partner uncomfortable with touch and therefore reluctant to express their affection physically? These are all questions that you and your partner should discuss, certainly before committing to a long-term relationship.

3. Fear of Pain

During sexual arousal some things that might otherwise be painful (such as the application of ice) can be pleasurable. Spanking, for example, is not really painful when done in a restrained manner to the buttocks. But some people will allow themselves to endure real pain or humiliation if they feel the pleasure or rewards of a relationship still outweigh the benefits. A person may endure cruel treatment or even beatings for the sake of love or hot sex. In some cases the treatment is a cost paid for a rewarding relationship, in some cases it adds “spice” or there may be a confusing mixture.

Nonetheless, erotic arousal can be coaxed, and this can often be done by creating the right mood, creating a feeling of safety, familiarity and pleasure in touching, and by expressing appropriate consideration and interest. Being “seduced” (an enjoyable game played by two consenting adults) can be a pleasant kind of attention.

In such cases “seduction” can be a gentle way for one or both participants to safely explore how far they really want to go. Some people attempt to find aphrodisiacs to simplify the process, but there is no aphrodisiac that compares to enthusiasm, i.e. finding the keys to a person’s personal erotic interests (when they exist).

In both sexes, early sexual excitement is marked by blood rushing to the skin surfaces and to the sexual organs, causing erection in the man, clitoral swelling in the woman, enlargement of her breasts and nipples and usually his nipples too, a bit of secretion from the penis, lubrication of her vagina, and muscular tension as well as a flushed appearance to the face and chest.